Shoutout to all of us fighting a battle that most people don't understand. Keep hanging in there.

This story is a mad story; well, it is for me ha-ha! Anyone I meet will hear about my IBS story; mainly because I am always on edge about it and I think I need people to understand maybe why I won’t eat there or why I need to leave at certain times or even drive a certain route! It is a journey that has gone way, way too far! I would love to say there is a happy ending to this story, but there actually isn’t! Not yet anyway- It never was a problem that held me back in life before, but wow! It seems to be a BIG problem now- okay so let’s start at the beginning…

Growing up I always had stomach issues, not to be gruesome, but I had issues going to the toilet- anyway it was what it was! Then in my early 20’s I decided something needed to be done about this, it had been really bad for a few months! At this time Colonical Irrigation was the “new thing”, So I thought I would try this, I had 2 sessions. I honestly don’t think anything changed after that too be fair. Let’s leave that part of the story there, whilst I explain what else was going on at that time…

Okay, one day, after I had this colonic, I was driving and suddenly my stomach just turned and I suddenly had an urgency to go to the toilet, it was something I felt I couldn’t control but I made it to a toilet. Then again, the next day the same thing happened. This kept on happening, I then decided to start cutting down things I was eating, to see if I could figure out what was making my stomach churn. I whittled it down to milk! Too much cow’s milk! I stopped that; but again, I noticed other things kept triggering it; I then thought okay too much double cream…black pepper…too much spice…the list went on! BUT my dad and my husband seemed to think the colonic may have literally irritated me to go the other way; this could still be true; I will never know.

I wish this was the biggest damage done, but over time I started to see that the damage had been done mentally, I was scared, every time I was in traffic I started to remember the time I was on a motorway, on the way to London and I had the urgency to go and all of a sudden I hit some traffic, I didn’t understand how I was going to make it to the toilet; I literally remember sitting there thinking “just do it in the car forget it, just do it” the panic took over my body, my legs went jelly and my arms, my heart was beating so so fast. Luckily the traffic did clear up and I made it, but that was it, the damage right there had been done mentally.

There were multiple incidents that affected me; It just seem to get worse and I lost all control of, well how to control it. I found myself finding different routes, just so I would pass toilets, I check google maps to make sure the maps were showing the roads to be all green and clear otherwise I won’t get on the motorway and once I am on the motorway I watch google maps all the way to my destination. I even started to wear adult nappies!! I was just so lost and I didn’t know how to fix this. Why lie I still don’t!

I tried all over the counter medicine but they didn’t work, I even talked myself out of wearing the adult nappy! I had convinced myself that it wouldn’t work. I found myself calling friends on the phone to try and distract myself from the thoughts I was having, but even that eventually didn’t work, because I realised WHY I was calling them and it was to help me stop needing the toilet, but talking to them now, reminded me that I needed the toilet, so that backfired! I spoke to the Dr’s about it and they put me onto CBT; which I suppose was good, but the methods they could teach me, I had already attempted them all. No matter what techniques they told me to use in those moments, when I was distressed, they just didn’t work, I overpowered it all with my mind.

Corona has made my IBS so much worse; as now there are no toilets readily available, I do not know how I will jump on the motorway and travel ever again, I struggle to go 5 minutes down the road. My mental state when it comes to the toilet situation is so so bad, I may not even eat the things that I know will trigger my IBS, but mentally I can bring on my panic attacks, I make it a big deal in my head to eat then get in the car and travel. It is all in my head and yes, I have intolerances, but I feel like nothing can fix my head and then when I am mentally strong, I will actually eat something that will trigger my stomach, it is such a viscous circle, that feels like I cannot fix.

This is my biggest mental challenge right now; this is something I really need to manifest. I really need to keep envisioning that this will disappear. I need to level up mentally massively on this. It holds me back, I can’t just take my kids out to the park, I can’t just drive them over to a friend’s if they live too far, I can’t take them to zoos and attractions. If I am interested in a job, but it is located more than 10minutes away in traffic, I can’t even consider it. I feel I am getting better, because now I can listen to Bollywood and bhangra music in the car and it is a weird form of meditation for me, because when I listen to that music, I tune out from the panic of “I need the toilet, NOW” so let’s just hope that continues to help. I have learnt that in the car I can’t be too alone with my thoughts, I need to have something in my ears that keeps me engaged, so I won’t go to those thoughts.

Sometimes I get scared, that I have made IBS part of my life and maybe I am scared to actually say or believe I don’t have IBS! I have had it for 13 years now, maybe I am actually just too scared to work on in it mentally, because I wouldn’t know a life without it now. I really hope that this is not the case, for my kids and just for me to get the most amazing experiences in my life, I really hope I can just get up and travel 200miles one day, with none of the stress and anxiety that, that kind of a journey brings on.

This is just me being honest, so many of my blogs maybe about positivity, that we can do anything we want kind of themes; and we really can! But this is my weakness, this is what I struggle with, this is my daily struggle and I know I will be working on it. My aim for 2021/2022 is to attempt hypnotherapy, it is something I did once, but I just never managed to schedule more. I think I am actually going to put messages around my car for when I feel the anxiety coming on, I can just read those notes to remind myself that it is going to be fine, it really is going to be fine; as I have noticed when I am distracted and not thinking about the toilet issue when I am driving, I don’t even think about needing the toilet. I just need to find a way to distract myself when I am in the car; and I need to get stronger at not giving my “IBS” any energy.